ME jokes

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

I was going to join the debating team.

... but someone talked me out of it.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?

A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.

The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."

The doctor says, "Next, please."

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.