ME jokes

A man attacked me with cheese and milk. How dairy!

Q: What’s the difference between me and you?

A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.

Eggs

You crack me up!

Actually, it isn't a bear joke, but bear with me here...

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.

Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home.

As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump's wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie.

As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him, and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him.

Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn't really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump's friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump's friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, "Aww, I'm lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!"

My girlfriend called me a pedophile... That's a big word for a 1st grader.

My girlfriend asked me to tell a joke. I told her to look in the mirror.

We never met again.

Me.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

You want a pizza from me!!!!

What did the boy say to the noose?

"Can you please tie me."

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

If Stephen Hawking was in a horror movie, would he make his robot try and shout, "Aaaaaaaah! Help me, I can't move! I'm too scared!"?

How did the air beat me at chess? It did that thing, haha!

By the way, could you tell me an elevator pun? I can't seem to "come up" with one myself.

I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."

After all these walkers, you still walk over me.

I don’t have enough money to buy cheese, could you provolone me some money?

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."