ME jokes
I had a friend named Wemiyoe... We call him "we me you."
Your friend took a shower and used Pantene, but I got a watermelon to keep me clean.
My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.
It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!
Stephen Hawking died because he got hacked by me, and the update was too strong.
What did Saskia say to Brandon?
Saskia: "Can you rape me like you did Sydney?"
As he threw the mechanical pencil toward me, I knew that if I didn't move, I would be lead into serious trouble.
Mayonnaise marry me?
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
A gay guy asked me for directions, so I told him to go straight.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.
A man attacked me with cheese and milk. How dairy!
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
Eggs
You crack me up!
Actually, it isn't a bear joke, but bear with me here...
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.
Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home.
As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump's wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie.
As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him, and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him.
Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn't really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump's friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump's friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, "Aww, I'm lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!"
My girlfriend called me a pedophile... That's a big word for a 1st grader.
My girlfriend asked me to tell a joke. I told her to look in the mirror.
We never met again.
Me.
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."