ME jokes

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

Murder: Wanna play a game?

Me: Ok (pulls out Xbox controller)

Someone asked me where to find de wae?

I replied with: Oh, de wea, that's a shop. It's down the road.

The lunch lady gave me only one carrot. I didn't carrot all.

Why does God hate me?

Because I'm a gay minority who fights for women's rights.

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

A miscarriage always brings the child out in me.

"Fuck me."

That's what she said.

My friend was annoying me with bird puns. I realized toucan play at this game.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

What did one bear reply to his bad pun?

"Bear with me!"

There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.

Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"

Girl: "Dude, this is a library."

Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."

Who's the fastest reader?

Me, 'cause I'll be jumping off so many stories.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

All these oranges, but you're still the one for me.