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ME jokes

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."

  • 9

    • My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

    But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

    I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

    I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

  • 5

    • My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

  • 8

    • What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

    My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

    I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

    Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

  • 7

    • My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

  • 0

    • I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

    I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

    Which makes me an eighth-theist.

  • 4

    • My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

    If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

    The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

  • 0

    • Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

    If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

    My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.