ME jokes

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

"Lazy."

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.

I was going to join the debating team.

... but someone talked me out of it.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?