ME jokes

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

I would make a joke about your sister, but she banged me.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger before my eyes.

Then it hit me.

1 and 2 fell in love. The 2 said, "You're the only 1 for me!"

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.

After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.

Someone came to me and said, "Your dad is gay." I just said, "Wait. You know where my dad is? Please tell me!"

Hey, fatboy, why are you so damn fat?

Because every time I f*** your mom, she gives me a cookie.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me :3

"Dick me down shorts."

A puma was making another puma laugh. That puma that was laughing said, “Stop making me laugh! I’m gonna puma pants!”

What did the plate say to the other plate? Lunch is on me! 😂

Son: “Mom, is there a thing called «friendship» between a man and a woman?”

Mother: “No Son, unless if he’s gay.”

Son: “So your friend is gay?”

Mother with herself: «How did he see me with michael omg if my husband discovered my cheating he will kill me»

Mother: “Mmm.. Yes.”

Father loudly: “YES!!!”

Mother: “What in the hell? Are you gay?”

Father with himself: «Am i an idiot why did i yell?! if she discovered I’m gay and her son was made by Paul’s semens she will kill me»

Father: “No what are saying? I’m just talking with myself.”

*A few hours later*

Mother: “I will go to visit my mother.”

Father: “Me too I will go to visit my mother.”

Son: “Not me too I will go to stud with my friends.”

The mother and the father goes to michael’s house and they found their son playing with Michael and Paul is recording them and saying: «that’s why I love you my actual son oh only if your mother knows».

*The End* :D

Me: I used to laugh at Skyrim jokes like you, then I took an...

Everyone Else: DON'T...FUCKING...SAY IT.

At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.

Son: Yo dawg, tell me a story.

Dad: Y'all motherfuckers ain't gon' believe dis shit, so there was dis fairy aight, she had wings, so she flys into a KFC, and comes out with wings, chicken wings.

Also, why did Hawking try to walk across the road? His wheelchair only goes 1 mph, so he got hit by a bus.