ME jokes
My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
A pirate walked into a bar with his ship's steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, "Hey! What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"
Men, get into the kitchen and make me a sandwich!
Women, go chop some lumber!
White people, get back into the cotton fields!
I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.
My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.
She said we can still be cousins.
One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.
The other day, I donated my car keys, $1,000, and a passport to a homeless man.
You could feel the happiness come from me after he holstered his suppressed shotgun.
A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."
"Interesting."
"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.
You cat to be kitten me right meow!
The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.
I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.
Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."
Parents: Why do you use your phone on the toilet?
Me: The same reason you read the newspaper on the toilet.
My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.
A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.
A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."
Me: I look up to you.
Friend: Wow, thanks!
Me: But in general cuz your so tall.
My dad asked, "Where are you going?"
Me: "Back to the orphanage."
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."