ME jokes

Friend: I have the eye of the tiger.

Me: So what? I have the balls of a gorilla.

Parents: We can't come back to the zoo next week!

I wonder why the baseball was getting larger and larger, then it hit me.

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

I was riding my bike down the road!

When a car started coming, I started running.

It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)

Me: I must have a mirror in my jeans, 'cause I see you in my pants.

Me: (Tim) What's wrong?

Him: Wha...

Me: Are you inTIMidated?

Q: Why was Barbie kicked out of the toy box?

A: She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie to me!"

Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".

Rules of Dark humor:

1. All subject matter can be used, nothing is off limits.

2. No saying "Me" or "My Life" as a joke. Nobody finds those funny. We want actual good and meaningful jokes.

3. Don't Repeat Previously Posted Jokes. If you are saying the same joke that the person right before you posted you are just begging for attention and nobody by any means likes that.

I will add more in the future and be frequent on this site.

- Sincerely, Zane

A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"

What do you call a green camel?

My parents left me.

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."

So, I was f**king my daughter the other night, and I don’t know what was funnier: the looks on my wife’s face when she walked in on me or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."

What's the difference between me and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.