ME jokes

The other day, I donated my car keys, $1,000, and a passport to a homeless man.

You could feel the happiness come from me after he holstered his suppressed shotgun.

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

You cat to be kitten me right meow!

The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"

Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."

The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.

The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.

The third lady says, "I never had a husband."

The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."

They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.

The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."

"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"

I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.

I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."

Parents: Why do you use your phone on the toilet?

Me: The same reason you read the newspaper on the toilet.

My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.

A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

Is it just me, or are magnets really attractive?

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

A starving homeless kid asks me for food.

I said, "sorry, my plate is full."