ME jokes

My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.

I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."

I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.

I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

What's black, blue, and red, laying in a ditch?

You after you disrespect me.

Knock knock. Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollinnnnnn!

Wanna hear a joke?

Me.

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

What's wrong with 89?

You blow me and I owe you one.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

I wondered why the baseball was getting closer...

Then it hit me!

Want to hear a joke, huh?

Me........

I'm a teacher at a high school, but I got fired. They told me I didn't do any work even though I always did a skele-ton.

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.

Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...

His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...