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My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

  • 5

    • Me: It smells like good fam.

    Friend: What's good fam?

    Me: Nothing much, what about you fam?

    So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

    I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

    So I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

    So THEN I bought a LED whistle but it steel wooden LED me whistle.

    My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

    A pirate walked into a bar with his ship's steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, "Hey! What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

  • 7

    • Men, get into the kitchen and make me a sandwich!

    Women, go chop some lumber!

    White people, get back into the cotton fields!

    I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.

    Then it hit me.

    My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.

    She said we can still be cousins.

    One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

    The other day, I donated my car keys, $1,000, and a passport to a homeless man.

    You could feel the happiness come from me after he holstered his suppressed shotgun.

    A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

    "Interesting."

    "That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

    The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"

    Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."

    The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.

    The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.

    The third lady says, "I never had a husband."

    The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."

    They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.

    The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."

    "How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"

  • 2

    • I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

    Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."

  • 6

    • Parents: Why do you use your phone on the toilet?

    Me: The same reason you read the newspaper on the toilet.

    My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.