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ME jokes

My friend said to me, "How do you spell Tom?" and I said, "T-O-M-M." He said, "That's not how you spell 'it's Tom.' You have to take out one 'M'."

So I said, "But which one?"

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.

When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.

It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.

A kid came from school. His mother said, "What did you do in school?" The boy replied, "I had sex with my teacher." She said, "OH MY GOD, GO TO YOUR ROOM, WAIT UNTIL YOUR DAD COMES!" He waited, then his dad walked in and said, "Your mother told me what you did. I'm proud of you, son. Let's go buy you a bicycle." When they arrived to the store, the dad said, "Try out and see which seat is the comfortable." The boy said, "I can't, my butt is sore." Dad said, "Why is your butt sore?" The Boy said, "Because I had sex with my teacher."

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    • Who's a pineapple? I'm a pineapple... Yass.

    Teacher and kid.

    Kid: Hey, teacher.

    Teacher: Yes?

    Kid: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?

    Teacher: Of course not.

    Kid: Well, I didn't do my homework!

    I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

    “Are you still holding the ladder?”

    My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

    If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

    The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

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    • FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.

    I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.

    That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?

    At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

    On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

    “Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

    When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

    What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

    A tire.

    (A tire as in clothes and the tire? U get it? No? I'm lonely. Add me on Xbox: DECIMUS PAX)