ME jokes

Emo kids counting be like: 1, 2, 3 come hang with me! 4, 5, 6 Gonna get new slits! 7, 8, 9 Suicide! 10, 11, 12 Bring some pills!

I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

Have you seen my uncle?

Jesus: I have.

God: Me too.

Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d*ck reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well, no sir." And grandpa said then no, you can't.

Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said, "Let me get a hit of that," and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d*ck reach your a**?" and Johnny said no again. And then papaw was shootin' his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d*ck reached his a**, and Johnny said no.

Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d*ck reach your a**?" and papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f*ck yourself 'cause you ain't gettin' none of my ice cream!"

People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?

Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well no sir." And grandpa said, then no, you can't.

Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said let me get a hit of that, and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And Johnny said no again. Then papaw was shooting his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d**k reached his a**, and Johnny said no.

Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d**k reach your a**?" And papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f**k yourself because you ain't getting none of my ice cream!"

Friend, you're bold and fat.

Me: Bro, go to the bathroom and look at the mirror. You will probably break it.

I was walking to the store, and then this boy told me, "I'm an orphan and I have no money." He wanted M\&Ms. I gave him a family-sized bag.

Your forehead is so big, Megamind thought he was your long lost sibling.

"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? You're adopted. Haley says she likes me more than you."

Me and 1/2 of my friends.

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

The only joke my dad ever made was me.

Baby: Stroll?

Me: *puts baby in stroller* WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL!

Baby: *happily screams*

Stroller: *front wheels break off*

Me: WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL WITH NO FRONT WHEELS!

Baby: Oka- CRASH!

I tried to high-five a tree. It left me hanging.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

A Down syndrome child is drowning, he calls for help with all of his voice: "Somebody help me!! I'm Downing!"

BA DUM TSS

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

Call me an elevator, because I let people down.