ME jokes
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
Knock knock... Who's there? It's Jesus, let me in... Why? I have to save you... From what? From what I'm gonna do to you if you don't let me in.
My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?
My sister is the weird dark one and emo of the family. I'm the bright happy one. Once in 3rd grade, I got a huge A on mine, and my sis got a D-.
In the playground near a tree, we were sitting and playing. I said, "Hey, a C- is not that bad," and raised my hand up to give her a high five, but she left me hanging.
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
Fuck people who are bigger than me physically, emotionally, mentally, economically, and socially.
Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.
Me people call me emo.
Older cousin: Why?
Because I always have my hood up and wear black cloths and wear black cross earrings.
Ryan, I laid out more jokes than you have crying about me!
Mom: Son, where are my condoms?
Son: What are condoms?
Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.
Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?
Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.
Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.
Period: Guess who’s back... back again...
Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?
Period: I can come back in 9 months?
Me: Keep fucking singing.
A hobo couple is making out under a bridge.
The girlfriend goes: - Johnny, why is your dick so soft? - Flip me over, I’m trying to shit!
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan!
I saw a kid wearing tatty rags on a curb, so I asked, "Are you an orphan?"
"Yes," he replied. "What gave me away?" He asked, "Your parents," I said.