ME jokes
Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...
It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiii fuck ur mom.
So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!
And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.
Little Jonny Bad Ass was sitting on a porch one day, and a preacher was in the house. Little Jonny Bad Ass had to use the bathroom, so he bangs on the door saying, "Mom, I have to use the bathroom!" His mom says wait. So Little Jonny Bad Ass saw a hat on the step. He looks around, pulls his pants down, and shits in the hat.
A few later, the preacher comes out and says, "I see you have my hat!" Little Jonny Bad Ass says, "Yeah, I caught the world's fastest bird!" The preacher says, "Well, let me see him!" Little Jonny Bad Ass says, "No, I don't know." Well, the preacher says, "I'll put my hands by the hat, you lift, and I'll catch him!" Little Jonny Bad Ass lifted the hat and the preacher clapped his hands, and Little Jonny Bad Ass says, "Now see the bird don't shit," and ran.
School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!
Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*
I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”
When I died, my friend said he'd cover me.
The name is Doe, Dilbert Doe. You can call me Dil.
I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.
But I got seven Up.
They're not jokes, they're notes now, get me?
I am in trouble.
My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.
No, they will be wondering what I look like.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Me talks to an orphan: Hey, I have a joke.
Orphan: Go on then.
Me: Your family tree.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
Knock knock... Who's there? It's Jesus, let me in... Why? I have to save you... From what? From what I'm gonna do to you if you don't let me in.
My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?
My sister is the weird dark one and emo of the family. I'm the bright happy one. Once in 3rd grade, I got a huge A on mine, and my sis got a D-.
In the playground near a tree, we were sitting and playing. I said, "Hey, a C- is not that bad," and raised my hand up to give her a high five, but she left me hanging.
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”