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ME jokes

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.

Me: How do cowboys say hello?

Friend: Howdy.

Me: How do deez nuts fit in your mouth?

Me: What are we doing in HPE?

Friend: Fitness.

Me: Fitting deez nuts in your mouth.

Me: What's the fifth month of the year?

Friend: May.

Me: May deez nuts fit in your mouth?

Roses are red, violets are blue, you know what else is violent? Suicide with me and you.

How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They hire me to do it.

Your mama's so fat when she sat on the toilet, the toilet said, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, get your fat ass off of me!"

Your mama is so fat when Santa went down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, ho, holy shit, you're fatter than me, bitch!"

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

Biden: My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said, "That's a pretty big word for a 9-year-old!"

I was gonna stop for the cops, but I ran because I was high (the song don't copyright me plz).

While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.

When I die I want to have a piece of paper near me giving a clue on how I died, like, "I want everyone to miss me except for this bullet," or, "You didn't hang with me but guess what did?"

I was in class doing sex education. We were learning about sexual stereotypes.

My teacher turns to the class and asks, "If anyone could tell him what a sexual stereotype was?"

So I raised my hand and said, "Asians have small penis." He looked at me and said, "Very good, but I was looking for a definition."

First date be like:

Me: "I work with animals every day."

Her: "Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?"

Me: "I'm a butcher."