ME jokes
When I throw a dodge ball at a person taller than me, it's always a nut shot.
"Butter, butter, and butter, please, please bring me butter."
Is there a really annoying girl at your school and she's so fake? Well, say this:
Me: Hey, I have a nickname for you.
Her: Really? What?
Me: Sweet-in-low.
Her: Why?
Me: Because you're artificial.
When someone said to an orphan, "My boyfriend ghosted me," the orphan says back, "Don't worry, my parents ghosted me!" 🤣
Me in the middle of the night boiling water.
Me talking to my brother: How do you make holy water?
My brother: How?
Me: You boil the hell out of it.
There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.
The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"
Me: "Oh hell nah"
Me: I have lost it.
Random: Lost what?
Me: My will to live.
Your mom went to the ocean, and the whales said, "We are family," even though you are fatter than me.
I don't like Roblox Adopt Me. It reminds me of my past.
This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."
Me: Do you like smash?
Friend: Smash Rolls?
Me: No, Smash DEEZ NUTS!
Friend: AHHHHH (*moans)
Everybody loves guns!
Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."
What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
I didn't come into the prostitution business...
It came into me.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
*at school*
Nobody: Do you want nuts?
Me: Wait, you have some?
Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.
Me: :0