ME jokes
Me: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, how did you know and what gave me away?
Me: Where's your parents?
Orphan: They died and I have a phone, why?
Me: Because it has a home button.
A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.
Simply because they look up to me.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.
My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.
Violets are blue, roses are red.
Last night your mom was giving me head.
A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...
Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.
Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.
Just give me my money (clap clap clap).
I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."
Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.
Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.
My two friends came to me one day and said they had the best blowjob that they ever had from my little sister. So I ask my sister, "Is it true that you gave my friends blowjobs?" She said yes.
My sister asked me, "Do you want one?" I said yeah. My sister gave me a blowjob and wow, just like my friends, it was the best blowjob that I ever had. As an older brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.