ME jokes

Q. What's the Premier of Alberta's favorite sex toy? A. I don't know, but I wish it were me.

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Roses are red, Lemons are sour; Lift your skirt up and give me an hour.

One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!

Abortion is a difficult topic for me.

On one hand I support it because it kills children.

On the other hand, it gives women a choice.

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

Hi, my name is Meer Adnan Hussain. I am a Muslim. I live in Karachi, an area of Pakistan. I want this job. I am interested in this work. Please take me in this work. Your porn star, Meer Adnan Hussain. Wait for your email. Okay.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.

I replied, "No. Is that still required?"

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.