ME jokes

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

What’s better than the best thing ever?

Me being mod.

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

"The legend says Tinker Bell was good in jerkin' off Peter with her tiny fingers, but it pains me to think that Captain Hook was a closeted-sadist boyfriend."

"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."

"Talking about childhood habits, my friend told me he still collects coins and post stamps and all. He asked me, I said - breastfeeding."

Me and bro talking about direct objects at 1 a.m. because we don’t know English.

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

If it does more than pee, it's too old for me!

Thank you, anonymous user, for helping me with math a few months ago.

Now I got a 31 on the ACT.

I asked Siri why I am still single; she showed me a pic of my mom riding on my dick!

What did the Buddhist say to the pizza delivery boy?

"Make me one with everything."

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"