ME jokes

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

What did the mad penis say to the vagina? “Don’t make me come in there!”

My AI assistant told me it wanted to go deeper...

...into the algorithm. I misunderstood. Now I’m banned from the lab.

I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.

A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”

Once a woman suspected that her husband was fucking their daughter at night. So she made a plan. That night, she gave her daughter sleeping pills and told her husband that you go to sleep, I have a headache and I will sleep on the sofa in the drawing room today. After everyone slept, she picked up her sleeping daughter and laid her on the sofa and went to her bed and lay down. After an hour, the door of the room opened and one man entered the room and jumped on the bed and fucked her intensely for 2 hours. Then she turned on the light with the bed switch and said, "You definitely didn't expect me." "I definitely didn't expect you, MOM! But you are more delicious than sister"! Her son replied in surprise!

When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

"Me and Explain Boat (RapBoat) are going to be married tomorrow," - Explain Bear.

There are people weirder looking than me.

Like who?

Like people with Down syndrome.

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.

I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”

Mom: Go clean your room, Little Johnny.

Little Johnny: No, it’s my room.

Mom: Well, it’s my house.

Little Johnny: Then go clean it.

Mom: Go to school!

At school:

Teacher: Hi, Little Johnny. You’re late.

Little Johnny: Watch because my son of a bitch mom told me to clean her room. I told her no, it’s my room, and then she said, 'Well, it’s my house.' Then I said, 'Go clean it,' and then she told me to go to school.

Teacher: Johnny, go to the principal’s office! You just came into school and now you're causing trouble. Go!

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:

White person: Dad, you're home!

Black person: Dad?

White person: You can keep the change.

Black person: Empty the register.