ME jokes
What's the difference between my father and acne?
Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.
My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.
The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!
Kid 1: "It's a bird!"
Kid 2: "It's a plane!"
Me: "It's a terrorist!"
Who is going to start the robot takeover? Me.
Julius Caesar & Tork Poettschke at the doctor's office:
"The doctor has now sent me the bill."
"Make him aware of his duty of confidentiality!"
My girlfriend accuse me of cheating. I asked her what was I supposed to do? She was just lying naked she said just do the damn autopsy.
Don't tell me to accept trannies for who they are when they can't even accept themselves for who they are.
Charlie Chaplin and Tork Poettschke meet.
Chaplin: "What can I do for you?"
Poettschke: "Please get away from me."
Joe Rogan to Christopher Doemges: "What can you tell me about musicians of the 18th century?" Doemges: "They're all dead already!"
The man had no arms and a little girl came over and said, "Give me a high-five."
He said, "I’ve got no arms," and the girl said, "Are you an eel? Cause he don’t have arms."
Q: What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed?
A: "Hit me baby one more time."
My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."
A man walked into a bar and said, "What do you call a cum shot?"
The people running the bar said, "I don't know, nut."
The guy said, "Are you calling me a nut?"
People always call me heartless. That’s not true. I have a heart... it just wasn’t meant for you.
14 girls asked me to go out today!
I was in the ladies' toilets...
My girlfriend called me a pedophile.
And I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!"
Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.
My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.
But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"
When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.
My bully to his mom after getting "cooked" by me: "Mama, I can't find my hairline!"
My bully. 😭