ME jokes

So the other day I saw a homeless man. He tried to mug me. I let him.

I had nothing on me either. (I'm on the next block over.)

An orphan told me people kept bullying him, so I said, "Tell your parents."

A panda goes to see a hooker. He goes down on her, he mates with her, he ejaculates and then he attempts to walk away.

The working girl asks, "Aren't you going to pay me?"

She opens the dictionary to "Prostitute: One who sells sexual companionship for money."

The panda picks up the dictionary and turns to the definition "Panda: A marsupial who eats, roots, shoots, and leaves."

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

Someone lunged at me, armed with an unregistered nurse. I hit the floor.

My best friend is black. It really pissed me off when my mom sold him.

What does a Right-Winger say when he sees a rainbow above the sky?

"A colorful sky? That's too woke for me. Jesus and our ancestors would have never stood for this!"

Is it just me or is your personality fake as well? Can't tell because everything about you is.

In the morning, I become a cereal killer. Stepped on a corn flake.

Then there was the run-in with a pair of orphaned Rice Krispies. Snap. Crackle. No pop.

I've been taken into custody as a cereal offender and am about to be put on trial in Food Court. I fully expect them to sentence me to Life.

When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.

I went to help an amputated girl, but she didn't have a hand for me to grab.

I was looking forward to my date with this paraplegic girl, but she stood me up.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"

The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."

The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"

The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"

On April Fools' Day, there is no fool except for me.

So, this kid told me what high school he was going to and asked me if I thought he would make it in.

I said, "No, they don't have double doors."

So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.

So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."

Happy April Fool's Day.

I am the fool, now fuck me.

Spanish folks must love Olaf because they say his name to me all the time.

Every time French people greet me, they say "banjo."

Nga, I don't got no fucking banjo.