Marriage jokes

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "What, no soap?" Then he dies and she marries the barber.

Mummy, how was I born?

Mummy replied, "Well, your father and I got married, and soon I became fat and you came out, and then in, out, in, out, and after you did that a million times, you were born."

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?

Said the man angered to his wife:

"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"

Why did Steven Hawking die?

His wife changed the WiFi password.

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.

Must be heartwrenching for a loyal husband to watch his wife dry shagging me on the living room carpet.

I mean, once she started, she couldn't get enough.

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was tiers.

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.

My newly wed wife is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.

Do you know why orphans can't get married? Because they will never get their parents' blessing.

What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right.

"Me and Explain Boat (RapBoat) are going to be married tomorrow," - Explain Bear.

How do you save your wife from drowning?

Take your foot off her neck.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

Before you leave that marriage, remember that one innocent 🐐 goat was killed for your traditional marriage. 😔

Cameron and Pav.

JFK's wife trying to grab his head be like "him in heaven." Why did I marrei her? Welp, time for a devorsin'.