Mickey: I want a divorce!
Minney: Are you fricking crazy?
Mickey: No, I'm fricking Daisy!
I like my wife like I like my coffee: so sweet, it gives me headaches.
Me say, "Crack my finger."
My hubby crack my finger.
Now say it backwards.
Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.
Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"
Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.
So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.
He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.
My wife found a rock and asked if it was expensive, and I said it "leavarite". She said, "Is that expensive?" and I told her, "Leave it right there."
What starts with M, ends with arriage, and is every guy's favorite thing? Miscarriage.
That one never gets old, just like the baby.
When a lady gets married, what does she borrow?
She borrows her husband's last name.
Say, Aiden, are you and Gwen dating? Oooo, you and her sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G., then comes the romance, then comes engagement, then comes the wedding, and then the baby! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Then comes cheating and arguments, and then D.I.V.O.R.C.E.!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aiden + Gwen = Husband and wife! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Girlfriend and boyfriend!!!!!!!!
Why is the divorce rate among socks so high?
My newly wed wife is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.
Every time I come straight home from work, you're in the bed asleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket.
Then the next thing I noticed, you just came back from the dead in no time, dummy.
I told my wife she was lousy in bed.
She replied, "I guess you have been seeing your ex-girlfriend, uh?"
Jefferey Dahmer asked his husband a question.
His husband said, "What's your question?"
Jefferey Dahmer said, "You want to know what is my favorite type of tree?"
His husband said "Yes?"
Jefferey said, "Morning Wood, now take off your pants!"
Y'know what's really sad?
Why break the fourth wall when you can turn the third wheel?
My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.
I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
JFK's wife trying to grab his head be like "him in heaven." Why did I marrei her? Welp, time for a devorsin'.
What does Stephen King call his wife...
The black hole.
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "What, no soap?" Then he dies and she marries the barber.
