Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh how did I survive. Fortunately being her husband I was the 1 person she wasn't fucking.
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.
Tony's wife had a divorce with Tony, she says she wants to be an independent woman
Day's later Tony's wife had an accident, guess who's crawling back for help 💀
1st daughter: Dad I;m lesbian! Dad: oh OK! 2nd daughter: I'm also lesbian Dad: WTF does any 1 in this family love d!cks?!? Son: I do...
My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort"...
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!/
What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony? May divorce be with you.
What is black, white, and red all over?
My third wife.
My friend that use to be married was making jokes about me being short then I told him you're marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal
Who did the bee 🐝 marry?
Her honey!
A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage, he replied," Yes I'm very happy. We go on date night every week. The other man asked when? She goes on wednesday and I go on thursday
Two WiFi routers got married. The ceremony was OK, but the reception was amazing.
I told my wife* she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised
*(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as an helix ruler)
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
120 pounds
What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband‘s voice just right
How do the cop respond to being called racist He said how can I be racist my wife’s eyes black
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says you’re next When we attend aFuneral, I say you’re next
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
My last best man's speech was like the marriage
Short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.
