My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.
I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.
My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.
What a weird way to start a conversation!
What’s worse than finger banging your sister?
Finding your dad’s wedding ring.
What’s the worst joke ever? Your parents’ relationship.
A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"
My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.
I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"
I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"
Once upon a time, fraternal twins, brother and sister, with almost 100% equal DNA were separated at birth. At the age of 42, they were married, had 2 sons and 2 daughters. They took an ancestryDNA test, and the results were scientifically sexually shocking.
This site is darker than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring.
Q: What did the skeleton say when he proposed to his girlfriend?
A: Will you marrow me?
Do you know why orphans can't get married? Because they will never get their parents' blessing.
MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.
DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.
MOM: No, you're not.
"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."
"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"
"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."
A man is digging in his garden and finds a gold chest. He goes to tell his wife.
Then he remembers why he was digging in the garden...
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?
W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.
*Later that day*
W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?
H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
Just too bitter.
