Marriage jokes

What’s the worst joke ever? Your parents’ relationship.

What’s worse than finger banging your sister?

Finding your dad’s wedding ring.

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

Welcome to the Fast Food Divorce Center where yesterday's lies are today's fries.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

Q: What’s worse than fingerbanging your sister?

A: Finding your dad's wedding ring.

Husband: Hey honey, words can’t describe how beautiful you are.

Wife: Aww, thanks.

Husband: But numbers can. 0 out of 10.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

This site is darker than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring.

Q: What did the skeleton say when he proposed to his girlfriend?

A: Will you marrow me?

Do you know why orphans can't get married? Because they will never get their parents' blessing.

MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

MOM: No, you're not.

Once upon a time, fraternal twins, brother and sister, with almost 100% equal DNA were separated at birth. At the age of 42, they were married, had 2 sons and 2 daughters. They took an ancestryDNA test, and the results were scientifically sexually shocking.

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."

"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"

"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."

A man is digging in his garden and finds a gold chest. He goes to tell his wife.

Then he remembers why he was digging in the garden...

H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

*Later that day*

W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.