A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
Marriage is really educational
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure. One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four.
a russian wedding should be called a soviet union
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.” Like if you do this to your spouse.
Before you leave that marriage, remember that one inn0cent 🐐 g0at was k!lled for your traditional marriage😔☹️☹️☹️
You know they say, when you get lemos make lemonade...Well i took that a little bit too literal
Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.
But at least lemonade came out!
Man walks in to his bedroom where his wish is carrying a sheep under his arm and says this is the pig I've been fucking.wife says that's not a pig that's a sheep dumbass.husband says I was talking to the sheep
Farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm says this is the pig I'm fucking she say u idiot that's a sheep he says shut up I wasn't talking to you
Wife: “I want another baby” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one”
A wife and husband go to a barn, the husband picks up a goat and says “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.” The wife says “Honey that’s a goat.” The husband replies with “I was talking to the goat.”
You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
Why can't antelopes get married?
Because they can't elope.
I like my marriages like I like my whiskey. On the rocks
How did Stephen Hawking really die...his wife grounded him from using electronics and unplugged everything
does donald know his wife is mexican?
My wife still misses me...
But her aim is getting better!
My wife is a optimist our first night together she handed me a magnum xl condom. I didn’t know what to do so I made her a balloon animal 🎈 🦒
There was a man named, Matt, that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, I am here to tell you my sins. He was all for it and said go ahead.
Matt, "Father, Last night I almost cheated on my wife"
Priest, "how so?"
Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything just rubbed each other, that's all"
Priest, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! for your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box"
Matt, "okay i promise not to see her again"
Then Matt walks out the door
Priest, "Hey I saw you! you didn't put any money in the donation box!!"
Matt, "Yes I did, I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in"
