Man Jokes

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably. Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly"

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

a man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs then he says to his boss, i cant handle all of this,.

I was walking home then I saw a wait sign a man came and took me I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson

A man got pulled over and the policeman had stepped out and said do you know how fast you were going and the man said I was trying to catch up with the traffic and the officer said there is no traffic the man said exactly that’s how far behind I am

What is the difference between a detective company and a man with eyes on his butt?

One has a private eye, and the other has eyed privates

I guy entered to a library and wanted to get some books to read. He was searching crossed the books and the librarian asked him. Librarian..... what are you looking for ? Man ....I am looking for a book!! Librarian... Which book ?? Man ...... FACEBOOK.

Give a man a potato, he is full for a day Give a man a poisoned potato, hell be full for the rest of his life.

I was at afghanistan and i had been captured by the taliban. I was going to get the death penalty. Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now i will die. Shame on u penaldo!!

i saw a man. I saw another man. And I saw another. Where am I? Comment below

man: why cant an orphan use Verizon? kid: i dont know why man: cause they have a family plan kid: well i need to get another phone service now

Whats a crazy mans favorite phrase when he has a knife?

Freak out!

Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week? Everyone was furious but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”

what did the japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody? that is very wong.

A blind man handed me a piece of paper it said "⠊⠋ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠉⠁⠝ ⠞⠗⠁⠝⠎⠇⠁⠞⠑ ⠞⠓⠊⠎ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠁⠗⠑ ⠛⠁⠽" I have no idea how he knew.

A Doctor walks into his office and look his paitent in the eyes "Sir you have to stop Jerking off." The Man ask "Why?" The Doctor then says "Because im trying to examin you."

noose:" hey man, wanna hang out?" corpse:"sorry man, im dead inside."

Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man? After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!

A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse. One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well parter!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”