Made jokes

So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.

"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"

I made this one up myself just now.

Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, WHAT THE FRICK HAPPENED TO YOU?

Bro, yesterday this bird made the weirdest chirp. It sounded something like this:

"Error code 6, 4, 4, 2, sound: bird call, failed to play, government drone 0, 7, 7, 5 requires maintenance."

Anyone know what bird that is?

Yo momma's armpits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.

A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"

Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."

At gym class today, my friend made this song:

🎵 I’m a Barbie girl, I am fantastic, my boobs are plastic!

Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?

Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.

You know what is the worst mistake every human being made?

Answer: Living.

Why did Kristen Stewart fart on the set of Charlie's Angels? Because she ate too much damn chili for breakfast I made for her. I just forgot to put my foot in it.

You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?

I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.

Every Cobra Kai joke that was made, it's just me.

Yesterday I made food using oil--olive oil.

(I love oil!)

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

When did “yo” mean Hello?

They are so different, how did they come to mean the same thing? Did someone just walk up and accidentally say “llo” instead of hello and people were just like “what did you say?” and the man being embarrassed just made up a story and say “oh, I said yo, which means hello in my original language."

Someone forgot to do half the questions in the history test.

And that's what made him go down in history.

1. Your brother says... “you look ugly.” You say back... “Nice, I was trying to look like you.”

2. You're so dumb, I'm surprised you even made it to kindergarten.

3. The ugly vowels: A, E, I, O, and YOU.

I got up one day; my neighbor was in my house and was going to take me and my mom out. I showed my mom and my neighbor a trick. They both liked it. I asked my neighbor, "Do you know any tricks?" He said, "Yes, in matter of fact, I could tell you what your mom had for breakfast." I said, "How?" Well, my neighbor licked my mom's ass and ate her pussy out in front of me. He told me my mom had pancakes. So we were in the car; I asked my neighbor, "How did you know what my mom had pancakes for breakfast?" My neighbor said, "Well, that is what your mom made me while we were waiting for you to get up."

You're so ugly that you made Hitler commit suicide.

What would the Mandalorian be called if it was made in an aquatic center?

Mandachlorian.