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When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.

When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!

Why do people have sex?

Because they like going "Ahhhhhhhhhhh fuck me, bitch, I love you!"

Dear Grad Parents,

Please pass the attached Commencement schedule on to your graduate(s). We ask that students arrive 15 minutes prior to their scheduled time and that they do not arrive early. Staff will greet the students outside the main entrance. Students may wear cap and gowns and/or formal wear.

There will be more information to follow in the coming days.

Thank you.

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

There were two twin brothers, Lucas and Marcus. Marcus got a girlfriend while Lucas stayed single.

A few weeks later, Lucas was caught kissing Marcus's girlfriend, and Marcus comes over and says: "Babe, I know we're twins, but I'm Marcus, and that's Lucas you were kissing." And his girlfriend looks at him and says: "I know."

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

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    • Roses are red, violets are blue, When I see you, I play with my poo.

    They told me I'd never be good at poetry.

    But to date I have made 3 jugs and a vase, and they look lovely!

    A mom cow's last words were to the mom cow's son. They were, "You are..." then died. The son thought that he was adopted, but then three years later, the mom cow rose from the dead and said to her son that she was going to say, "You were adorable." Then she died once more. Then two years later, she rose from the dead for the last time to say to her son, "And that's why we adopted you."

    Me: Says to kid at adoption center, "You're adopted!"

    Me and kid: hug.

    Thought this site needed a little bit of nice jokes.

    My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.