Look jokes
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"
A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.
The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.
The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.
A few seconds later, the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"
"Sure," said the little boy.
The little boy's mother was downstairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there, she saw blood all over the bathtub. "What happened?!" she said.
"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."
What is the reason for why women never look to the right?
Because they don't have any rights.
What's an old Japanese man's last words?
"Hey, that cloud looks like a mushroom, or is it just me?"
Me: I'm sorry, Aaron.
Aaron: Why?
Me: Your parents couldn't be bothered to look past page one in the big book of baby names.
Memes
what the earth would look live after a year of the moon slowing down:
I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.
*Me walking into the nail salon* Hi, I'm here for my 3:45 appointment.
*Nail tech:* Ok, sweety, come and sit down.
*Me sits down in the chair*
*Nail tech:* You want long nail, short nail? Um, long nail. You want boyfriend?!! Yes, ma'am. Ok, let me work magic. Ok.
*gives me short nail* Bro, I asked for long nail, but you said BF, but u look lesbian.
*walks out without paying*
*Nail tech gives money to a customer* There u win.
*customer:* I told u she would.
Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, "How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting a job!"
A married woman gets hit by a truck, and the cops tell her husband:
Cop: "Sir, it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Man: "I know, but she has a great personality."
I asked this disabled kid what his favorite TV show is. He looked at me blankly and said "My favorite TV show is Vegetales."
So uh, I did this thing where I put soap on my brother's toothbrush, and then I put more on and colored it to make it look like toothpaste, and uh, he is constipated now. I AM EVIL :3
The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.
I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.
I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."
Me: If my face looked like yours, I would sue my parents.
Sensei: Thatβs funny, because when your parents dropped you off at the temple, they got a fine for littering.
Cop: Hehe, thatβs funny because I gave them the fine!
What do you call it when a bunch of guys who look the same have an orgy?
A doppelgangbang.
Kris looks like a Neanderthal. The only difference is that Neanderthals serve a purpose in HUMAN HISTORY.
Why do you want me?
Cus u like me...
What do you mean?
You love me.
No.
Look down.
Yo mama's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock.
What looks like half a cat?
The other half.
What do you call a waterfowl looking at you from around a corner?
A Peking duck.