PERSON: I need to go so bad!
TOILET: Long time no pee!!!
Don’t cry when you attend my funeral, I was dead long ago so why cry now?
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
You have to have real balls to face prostate cancer.
Just not for long!
I was walking down the street when I saw this dude just vibing. He was telling every guy that walked by if his dick was bigger than theirs, they have to give him 50 bucks.
Long story short, I walked away with 100 bucks that day.
Where does the resistor go after a long day?
It goes Ohm.
If two blind people meet, one of them says: "Long time, no see!"
A little riddle...
Trump has it short, Kennedy has it long, the Pope has it but he doesn't use it, what is it?
...
Obviously the Surname, what are you thinking about you pervert?
If a man travels 14 miles to buy a loaf of bread, how long will it take for him to realise that living in the countryside is shit?
Why does it take so long for the pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years on C! Pirate: A, B, sea?
I can't fake the smile for long, as there is weight hanging at both of its ends called depression.
Q: What's really long and black?
A: The line at KFC.
Why are there so many black men in the NBA that only want to play basketball on a all black basketball team? because they prefer to suck a long and thick big black dick
I asked my friend how long I can be in the sky. He said if you are emo, then forever.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect... but not for very long.
Hey, are you suicide? 'Cause I dream of you every day! <3
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
A girl walks up to her friend with sunglasses she missed very much.
She told her, "Hey, long time no see."
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.
if my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship i would never be able to play my phone
