Lock jokes

This ole boy that's locked up called his ole lady and got into it with her, and she said, "Well, fuck you, I don't need you no more anyway. I got 2 or 3 guys out here wanting me and trying to fuck me."

He said, "Well, honey, that's the least of my worries. I got 10 or 12 guys in here tryin' to fuck me."

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

Did you try the digital egg padlock? Because it is very easy to crack the code.

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

I heard that the numbers on the front of your credit card represent the number of minutes until you meet the 💕 love of your life!💕

And the 3 numbers on the back represent the month and day you make it official!!

Comment those numbers to lock it in!!😄

Yesterday I had a party.

I got questioned about five dead kids locked up in a box.

I did that when I was 13. Damn, I forgot about them!

So, three guys are walking down the street together and decide to go rob a bank.

The first one goes for the richest man in the city’s vault but can’t open it easily and is caught and sent to death in jail for robbing the richest man.

The second one goes for his uncle's vault because screw that son of a b***h; he’s rich, why does he need all the money? But his uncle was unfortunately at the vault that day and snapped his nephew's neck.

The third one went for his ex’s vault and thought, “Well, that b***h can suck my d**k; she’s so poor anyway, who would care if I take all her money so she dies of hunger and dehydration and homelessness?” So he managed to get into her vault easily because it wasn’t heavily locked and took all her money. The next day, the third guy's ex showed up to his house and said, “I’m gonna f*****g murder you,” so she shot him dead and got her money from his house.

In hell, the three guys see each other and explain what happened. The third guy did and then asked, “You know, I don’t get it. If the richest guys are heavily guarded but already have so much money in their house, why does it need to be heavily guarded? I don’t understand why the poorer aren’t heavily guarded when they are so poor they need the money.” And the first guy said, “B***h, I don’t know, maybe the bank tellers think poor people should suck it and just die already.”

Nothing makes a guy happier than when his girlfriend says, “Go and lock the door first...”

What do you call a virgin kid locked in a room with a pedophile? Past tense.

Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.

Who is more loyal: a dog or a wife?

Well, lock them both in your trunk for two hours and drive around and see which one is happy to see you.

What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?

Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.

What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.

I like my orphans how I like my wine, locked in my basement for ten.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Theodore.

Theodore who?

Theodore is locked, that is why I knocked.

During Covid, lockdown went on for so long that even the agoraphobics got cabin fever.

What do pedophiles do when they wake up?

Turn on the child safety lock on the car.

Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

A young teen was walking home from school and having a nice day.

She gets home, eats, showers, and heads to her room. The young teen hears her mother say something. Not sure what she said, the girl replies with "ok."

The young teen was gonna head to bed, wondering when her mom was gonna come in and say goodnight. She lays in bed, but then she hears her mom's voice say, "Hunny, I'm home." She doesn't bother to say ok.

Later, when she decides to sleep, she gets a message from her mom saying to unlock the door, that she lost her keys. :)