Living jokes
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.
He said he couldn't complain.
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
Memes
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.
Kenny's favorite part of living in his mom's basement is sleeping with the landlady.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.
What's grosser than gross? A truckload of dead babies.
What's grosser than that? A live one at the bottom.
What's grosser than that? When he eats his way out.
Grosser than that? When he goes back for more.
Why are cats good at video games?
Because they have nine lives!
When Covid spreads through food, but you realized you live in Africa.
Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:
11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.
What is the only place fat people live?
Obi-city.
Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?
They all shoot people for a living.
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
What's the difference between a Palestinian and SpongeBob's Sandy Cheeks?
One is living in a bubble, the other one in rubble.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"