Who is the man behind all lives matter?
Michael Jackson.
Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.
I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.
What's grosser than gross? A truckload of dead babies.
What's grosser than that? A live one at the bottom.
What's grosser than that? When he eats his way out.
Grosser than that? When he goes back for more.
Why are cats good at video games?
Because they have nine lives!
When Covid spreads through food, but you realized you live in Africa.
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
You know when people say a joke about living?
That's because we are all living a joke.
What is the only place fat people live?
Obi-city.
Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:
11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.
Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?
They all shoot people for a living.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!
2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!
3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!
4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!
Are these good?
Kenny's favorite part of living in his mom's basement is sleeping with the landlady.
