Living jokes

"Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy? Longer than two months to live."

What did the bus driver say to the nut 🥜?

"Where do you live?"

There are 4 people on an airplane, and the pilot has a heart attack and dies. The plane is going down, and there are also only 3 parachutes. So the guy who knows how to cure cancer says, "I’m jumping. I can save many lives." Then the 46th president, Joe Biden, says, "I’m taking the 2nd one." So there is only one left. Donald Trump says to the 7-year-old girl, "I have lived a long life. You can take the next one." So the little girl says, "That’s ok; the 46th president took my backpack." Lol.

If bedbugs live in beds, where do cockroaches live?

Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.

But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...

A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."

A man had 10 dead and bloody babies in the middle of his living room. The police suddenly knocked on his door. What is the hardest thing to hide?

- A boner.

What is the difference between white people and Africans? The white people watch "The Hunger Games," the Africans live it.

What's the difference between a mole and an eagle?

They both live underground, except for the eagle.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well no sir." And grandpa said, then no, you can't.

Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said let me get a hit of that, and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And Johnny said no again. Then papaw was shooting his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d**k reached his a**, and Johnny said no.

Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d**k reach your a**?" And papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f**k yourself because you ain't getting none of my ice cream!"

How do you make a baby survive a fall of over 300 metres?

I don't know. I've dropped dozens off the Empire State Building and none have lived.

So I was living with a girl for a few weeks, and it was nice until she found out that I was there.

What do you call a person in a wheelchair that lives in Africa?

Dry Vegetable.

Your wife dumped you because you are so poor and you are so ugly. You also live under a rock and have no money. You got dumped so hard you can't remember you got dumped.

What do you call a living Panera Bread?

Panera Breath.

Are you a gun because I want to live with you?

What happens when an orphan is told that someone had found their parents?

They cry...

They scream... with joy.

"Oh wait, no, that wasn't your parents."

Orphan grabs a knife out of the kitchen, lets just say, the orphan didn't live to tell the tail...

When you're so rich that you can buy anything, you end up getting a cow in your living room. Yeah, anyways, my ex is still in my living room.