Living jokes

If reincarnation is correct, if you die now, you can be reborn and live a second life. If you were born in Ukraine, you can immediately live a third life.

At least he got D.L.A. (Disability Living Allowance), so it's not all bad. Every cloud has a silver lining...even a mushroom cloud.

Why is being alive so expensive? I'm not even having a good time.

Anakin Skywalker: I don't like sand.

*also him*

Anakin Skywalker: I lived on sand.

My son got in trouble for writing the following underneath the question “Do aliens exist?”

“Of course they do! They live in Mexico!”

My hair goes just onto my collar bones. WOW! That's longer than I'll live.

Why do orphans live on buses?

They never have a home to stop at.

What do lizards and Queen Elizabeth have in common?

They both live long with dry skin.

When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.

But you know you live alone.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leaf. “Leaf” who? Leaf my house, or else you will regret it. You don’t live here, you dumb idiot! ?!

I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.

To Tina: Hi, love, you're my oldest and dearest friend. I will love you for as long as I live. I luvv you so much, my sweetest, dearest darling.

Alya, I need to talk to you now. If you don't reply, I will kermit the not living, and if you don't think I will, I will post your OnlyFans photos I get every month for $5.99 a week (high price if you ask me)!

I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.

In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?

I lick poo for a living... You?

What's the difference between crazy people and regular people?

We don't live in their heads.

What do you call a Jedi teacher who lives in a forest?

Obi-Wan Canopy

Mary has a house near a forest. She lives with her bro, and she once asked, "How many trees are there?" Her bro said: "I don't know." She said: "Tree."

What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?

They usually don’t live to tell the tale.