Living Jokes

What do Lizards and Queen Elizabeth have in common? They both live long with dry skin.

why is bieng alive so expensive im not even having a good time

If reincarnation is correct, if you die now, you can be reborn and live a second life. If you were born in Ukraine, you can immediately live a third life.

Anakin Skywalker: I dont like sand *also him* Anakin Skywalker: I lived on sand

Did you know that they are making a movie about the four boys who lost there lives on the ice? There calling the movie The Lost Boys.

I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after but then i realised that antidepressants don't make you OD.

What’s the difference between a cancer patient and British news reporter in south They usually don’t live to tell the tale

You look too old to be living with your grandma

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Whats the difference between crazy people and regular people.

We don't live in their heads

If I had a coin for every time someone said "If I had a coin" I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.

The department of touch yourself is coming to the UK near you, I hope Scotland gets freedom I can't wait to leave England and live in Scotland.

At least he got D.L.A. Disability Living Allowance so it's not all bad. Every cloud has a silver lining...even a mushroom cloud.

My dignity to live

I’m enyaw and I fancy my pe teacher she is called Kelly Pearce and I go to Beckfoot Oakbank I always watch her bc I am a creep I live at school under the stairs but I also try follow her home and if I'm unsuccessful I look her up on a dodgy website and go on Google maps and look at her door

Yesterday i tried to help a little girl by a road stop crying. I asked her where her parents were and that made her cry harder. So then i adked her where her house was and she said with tears "i dont have one" so i got her in my car and drove her to where she said she was living. It was a orphaninch.

Three sons left home, went out into the world and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

'I built a big house for our mum,' said the first.

'I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur,' said the second.

And the third smiled and said, 'I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it.'

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

'The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house.'

To the second son she said, 'I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude.'

To the third son she wrote 'Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!'