Living Will jokes

Doctor: You don't have long to live. 10...

Patient: Ten what? Ten years, ten months?

Doctor: 9... 8... 7...

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.

Biden: *falls over on steps*

Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"

Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

What’s the difference between black matter and Black Lives Matter?

Black matter leaves an impact.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:

11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.

Kenny's favorite part of living in his mom's basement is sleeping with the landlady.

If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.

Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.

The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.

The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"

When Covid spreads through food, but you realized you live in Africa.