Living Will Jokes

What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."

If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.

Biden: *falls over on steps*

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

The image shows the text 'Live a healthy lifestyle. Choose drinks with minimal amounts of sugar...', followed by a line of several bottles of drinks, from left to right: Coca Cola, Red Bull, Ribena, Fanta, Sprite, Oasis and a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Under each bottle of soda is a small pile of white sugar cubes, and the pile under Jack Daniel's is zero. The bottles of soda have the labels 'Rib', 'SISP' on them. The Jack Daniel's bottle has the label 'JACK DANIEL'S No. 7 Tennessee WHISKEY' on it. There is also the text 'NEXT LEVEL BARTENDING WE SET THE BAR HIGH' in the lower left part of the image.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.

The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.

The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

What’s the difference between black matter and Black Lives Matter?

Black matter leaves an impact.

Why did God create yeast infections?

So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.

Where do poor Italians live?

The spaghetto.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Kenny's favorite part of living in his mom's basement is sleeping with the landlady.

If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.

I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.