Like jokes

My sister and a basketball got certain things in common.

My sister's tits and ass are bouncy like a basketball.

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

"Can I throw you away? You look like my trash can. Oh, wait, you *are* my trash can."

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.

A guy walks into a bar, he's like, "What's your number, lad?" and the woman is like, "298-777-fatso.com" and he walked home depressed.

A teacher walked up to me and said, "How did we get butt cracks?"

I was like 4, so I said, "You had an earthquake on your booty."

Bootylicious lol

My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?

My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...

Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.

*Everyone Looks at me*

Roberto: Judd, your DNA looks like the infinite symbol.

Judd: Roberto, your DNA looks like a pasta noodle.

Everyone makes mistakes. Like my mom, she made a mistake 13 years ago.

Once I had a cat. The cat liked human beverages.

One day I decided to throw a party. The cat went over to get some soda. There was a line. I told him that he needed to wait in line. The line was too long for the cat. Then he walked to the punch bowl. He saw that there was no punch line. Very much like this joke.

What did Stephen Hawking love that couldn't move?

Himself, ps particularly his whole body. I was gonna say his legs, but then I remembered he was fully paralysed and was like shitttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

Why do orphans like Monopoly?

To cry about the money they can’t earn in real life.

Thomas Jefferson’s 80th b-day bash be like:

Jackson: "CALHOUN! YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME - IN BED WITH THE CONSTITUTION??"

Waitress: What can I get for you?

Me: I'll have a steak.

Waitress: How would you like it?

Me: Immediately!

All terrorists like starting a new year off with a bang.

Let's try to get to either max likes or dislikes, your choice.

And duck jokes, who would win in a fight, a baby or a pacifist, presented by duck?

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.

Stories like Rudolph and Wonder show that different means worse.

I like to commit arson as a recreational activity, you?