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Girlfriend

    • Why is it inappropriate when guys say their girlfriends are their “Partners in Crime”?

    Like we get it, bro, she’s underage.

  • 4

    • Time

    • One time my boyfriend and I were playing the tickle game and I tickled him on his thighs by accident, and I said, "Oh no, I am dead."

    Then he started tickling me on my thighs up to my vagina, and then I moaned while laughing and told him, "STOP, please."

    Then he said, "That's what I thought," and I was like, you cheated. He was like, "You first did it."

    So he went to the restroom and pulled down his pants. Then I jumped on him and pulled his dick five times, and he screamed, and I quickly ran out and laughed. Then he ran to me, and I screamed, and he started eating my pussy and fingering me while I said, "Okay, okay, stop."

    And he stopped and started sucking my boobs and giving me hickeys while I said, "Please stop," and then I pushed him off, and he turned me around and put his dick in my hole, and I said, "Owwwwwwww."

    Then he said, "Play with me, I'll fuck you up."

    I said, "Ughh," and slapped him.

  • 3

    • Turtle

    • I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.

    Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

  • 23
    • Like memes

    Blind

    • I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.

    I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."

  • 0

    • Relationship

    • 1st graders: Ay yo girl, I think you’re beautiful, let’s get married!!

    2nd graders: Uhh, don’t tell my mom that we’re dating!! She won’t let me date! Let’s keep this a seeeeecret heeheehee.

    3rd graders: Uh, my teacher told me to stay after school because I wrote a poem about you and I’m 9 years old, we have to break up, sweetie.

    4th graders: Hey, I think you’re cute!! Wanna date? I don’t think my girlfriend will mind.......

    5th graders (they start wearing makeup): Ay girl, your eyelashes are pretty, I like you now, wanna date? Here’s my numberrrrrr.

    6th graders: Heyyyyy, I gotta tell you a secret, I got a crush on you!! Don’t tell anyone!! Byeee, ooh, I’ll text you later!

    7th graders: We need to make Peyton jealous because she broke up with you!! Wanna date? I mean, you’re not hot, but still, great personalityyyyy, alright, bye now.

    8th graders: Hi sweetheart, I got STARRRBUCKKKSSS

    Me: UGLY AF AND LITERALLY NO BOYFRIEND.....

  • 2

    • School Shooter

    • VOTING QUARTERFINAL 1: LIKE: When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid's sketchers light up.

    DISLIKE: When the school shooter finds you and you think you're gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen. 🖌

    Vote for the better joke!

    Nut

    • One day, Little Johnny went to his grandma's house, and she asks, "Do you like nuts?"

    Little Johnny says, "Yes, I like nuts."

    His grandma says, "Okay then, grab them out of the cabinet." So Little Johnny went and grabbed them, and he was sad after he grabbed them. His grandma then says, "What's wrong?"

    Little Johnny says, "I thought they were real nuts," and his grandma fainted.

  • 2

    • Orphan

    • Teacher: What do you kids want to be when you grow up?

    Kid 1: I want to be a firefighter.

    Kid 2: I want to be a police officer.

    Kid 3: I want to be dead like both my parents.

    Teacher: Ok, everyone pull out your books.

    Kid 4: Are we going to ignore what he said?

    Teacher: What do you want me to do? Call his parents?

  • 1

    • Store

    • While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.

    Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!

    Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.

    You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.

  • 2

    • Depression

    • when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)

    -> in reality, :( (sob)

    depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.

    Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.