Like jokes
No one has my back like my dad.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
You sound like an owl.
Well, it really do be like it shouldn't, but it is.
What do eggs like doing on stage?
Cracking jokes!
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
Why do crack heads like to do it doggy style?
So one can peep out window and one can peep on floor.
Why did the Indian man refuse to use deodorant? Because he wanted to smell like his natural habitat, the shitter.
Why do blind kids like plane crashes?
Because you can’t dislike what you have never seen.
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"
Then I start to think I was the problem :(
Just kidding, fuck that asshole!
Two boys were playing cards on a picnic table outside the school. Both of the boys had revolvers hidden in their waistband.
Now, one of the boys was a notorious cheater, who liked to hide his cards in his waistband. Recess was just about to end, when all the kids heard a loud bang erupt from the picnic table. In tears, the card player admitted that he had shot the other card player, stating "I played a King, and he started reaching for his waistband!"
Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.
Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!
When the school shooter asks the autistic kid which hostage he wants to rape, and he looks at you like 😋.
Q: How do you know you're at a gay barbecue? A: All the hot dogs taste like shit.
9/11 is like me after I'm finished with my Lego house. I destroy it! 😄🤣
You think you guys are funny, but look at your hairline. It be looking like the McDonald's symbol. 😂😂😂😂😭😭💀🤨🍆💦👶🏻😈😈😈😈😈😂😂😂😂😂😂👍😳😳😳😭😭😭😭😭😭🤨
Abortion isn't murder, it's more like backspacing a typo.
Why do cats like to sleep on the floor?
'Cause it's a car-PET.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.