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Girlfriend

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Day

"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"

Dad

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

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  • Feminist

    What is the difference between a feminist and a vegetarian? A vegetarian doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons. However, a feminist doesn't act like a bitch for moral, religious, or health reasons.

    Memes

    Marriage

    Marriage is like a deck of cards.

    In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

    By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

    Dinosaur

    Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.

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  • Name

    Bro, Asian girls have the weirdest names. I was, like, with one, and she kept on saying, "I'm too young."

    Status

    Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.

  • 4
  • Orphan

    Why do orphans like getting kidnapped? Because someone actually wants them. 🤣

    Birthday

    People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

    Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

    Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

    Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

  • 4
  • Sex

    Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

    Wife

    A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.

  • 4
  • Potato

    Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." *SMACK*! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie. *SMAACK*! She slapped Suzie. "Okay, Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."