Like jokes

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

What is the difference between a feminist and a vegetarian? A vegetarian doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons. However, a feminist doesn't act like a bitch for moral, religious, or health reasons.

Brojobs are like air. It's not important until you don't have any.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.

Would you like to try African food?

They would too.

Bro, Asian girls have the weirdest names. I was, like, with one, and she kept on saying, "I'm too young."

I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.

Like if you think I'm stupid.

Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.

Why do orphans like getting kidnapped? Because someone actually wants them. 🤣

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

Leave a like down below if you think Stephen Hawking should stand for the National Anthem.

Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.

Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." *SMACK*! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie. *SMAACK*! She slapped Suzie. "Okay, Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."

Like it if you judge people's hairlines.