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Women are like the Twin Towers. After you smash them, and if some little people start jumping out, the government is gonna tax the shit outta you.

Little Johnny's mom is taking a shower. Little Johnny walks in and asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Mommy says, "That is my keyhole." The next day, Little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and Little Johnny asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Daddy says, "That is my key." The next day Little Johnny says to his dad, "Looks like the neighbor has the key to Mommy's keyhole too."

I don't always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.

A boy and his mother survived a car crash.

The boy asks his mother, "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."

Dark Humor is like a child with cancer. It never gets old.

I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.

Why do orphans like Batman? They are 50% like him.

I don't like the word "gun".

Whenever I say it, people always get triggered.

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

Your hairline is like the universe, still waiting to be discovered.

Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?

A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

Depression is like having anxiety, but with more voices.

I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.

He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.

I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.

Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

Don't be racist! BE LIKE MARIO!

He's an Italian plumber, created by the Japanese, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew.

Like this post to give someone you hate bad luck.

My dad is like my depression, you need a suicide letter to find him.

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, it's not like Donald Trump could write a book.