Like jokes

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"

What do you get when a dog that is actually a Weeto is caught in an earthquake?

Just like a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy!

Q: Why do I like bone jokes so much?

A: Because they are humerus.

I like to eat mom's spaghetti. Now try it with the NEWWWW VEGETTIIII, turn any vegetable into pasta!

Yo mama like a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everybody’s pants.

Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

He fingered A minor (get it, like the chord A minor)?

Miss Stephen likes kids like she likes wine: 15 years and in isolation.

Diabetic wives are like Cillit Bang. Squeeze them a bit and bang! The bed is gone.

A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:

Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Double whammy.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.

Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.

My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.

I should put a little more backbone into them.

You do not spell "computer" like this; you spell it like this: "cumputer."

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."

Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!

Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!

I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.

Your forehead looks like the inside of a Malteser.

I like my women thick, so if they aren't over 375 pounds, they're not stepping into my room.