Like jokes

One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.

Why didn't the kid cancer patients like his joke?

He said, "You'll understand when you get older!"

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

A bully chokes me. I simply say, "Joke's on you, I like being choked!"

A good bath is like a dead lover.

You can enjoy them, that is until they get too cold.

I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.

Make like a drum and beat it!

A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.

Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.

I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.

What's red, green, and smells like shit?

... Red and green shit.

What does a baby in a blender look like?

I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus]

And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

What do you call a kid with Down syndrome who dresses like a merman? Posiedown.

Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.

I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.

What kind of mountain does everyone like?

Mountain Dew!!! Hahah.

We should stop taking the piss out of Asian people. I mean, they already have enough on their plates... like cats and dogs.

I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.

What noise does Sally like to say? Splat!