My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"
School is like a boner. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.
Why do the French eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey Tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
Jesus seemed like he was probably a good guy; healed the sick, fed the hungry, and gave good advice.
Jesus had only one flaw: he was always hanging around.
I like my girls like my file systems...
FAT and 16.
The thing I don't like about shopping centers...
When you see one, you've seen a mall.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance, they looked like hare.
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried.
What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's finger.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Why don't North Koreans like jazz music?
Because they don't have soul.
