diabetic wives are like cillit bang. squeeze them a bit and bang! the bed is gone
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"
Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"
Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."
Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".
He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"
Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."
If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Double whammy.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.
My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.
I should put a little more backbone into them.
You do not spell "computer" like this; you spell it like this: "cumputer."
Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."
Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!
Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!
I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.
Your forehead looks like the inside of a Malteser.
I like my women thick, so if they aren't over 375 pounds, they're not stepping into my room.
What is Trump's favorite snack?
Cheetos.
(Get it? He looks like a Cheeto!)
101 pedo jokes.
Why's everything x2, need to get this shit dick off before the coppers come, it's called women taking advantage, you'll shit the bitcoin, 90% percent of pedo's who don't admit they're like kids blame the police, shit your kappas, you only want my veins why don't you inject me with smack, run in with ya black armbands, I've been sized for a million pound, stop giving me strain asking questions, I know what's going to happen next, bet the judge is a women, jealous coz your drink tastes like shit?
Is it coz your shit though? How many bids have you done? Shit 1 million views, don't try bribe me, did the police give me snip? How's my barbie doll or shall I say my little pony? The police beat fuck outta me, what's all these needle marks on my arm, I can tell you want something, why's everything like one big cycle, police own the dark web.
Keep it going on lol.
What do you call someone that looks like Stephen Hawkins and is a space head? Byron Davey.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
You're so poor you stink like poo-poo in your doo-doo.
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.
Well, it really do be like it shouldn't, but it is.
