Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? The 9/11 terrorists went through like 78 stories in 7 seconds.
If your girl smells like tilapia, don’t let her on top of ya.
What did Saskia say to Brandon?
Saskia: "Can you rape me like you did Sydney?"
What's small, has no dad, and looks like Bugs Bunny?
Ben after he trips over the giant curb!
What did Siri say when Stephen Hawking spoke to him... Sorry, I don't like Microsoft.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were out on a hike. They had been going all day, so they decided to make camp and stay for the night. They both woke up at 3 A.M.
Holmes said, "Look up, Watson, what can you see?"
"Judging from the position of the stars, it looks like it's about 3 A.M."
"What else, Watson?"
"It looks like it will be a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What Else, Watson?"
"What am I supposed to see, Holmes?"
"Elementary my dear Watson, someone stole our tent!"
An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, "You look like a million pounds!" The wife divorced him.
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
I was going to make a chemistry joke. But it looks like I won’t get a reaction :)
I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.
More like so they can fuck him, am I right?
What does Adam look like?
The fat ginger baby of Boss Baby.
So you wanna play like that, ayy? Well, Sydney didn't wanna play like that either, and that's why you got arrested.
Why do emos like circles? Because they can hang out with them.
My family is like a treasure.
You need a map and shovel to find them.
How do you suck a dick?
Stick it down your throat like Nicholas does with Dennis.
Why didn't Hitler's girlfriend like giving him a blowjob? It left a Nazi taste in her mouth...
Why do basketball players like cookies? Because they can dunk them!
