Life jokes
Dentist: Open up, sir.
Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.
Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.
Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.
Dentist: Do you need help??
Me: Yep.
Dentist: ...
Me: ....
If you're serious, congratulations on getting this far in life with absolutely no comprehension of reality.
If you had this kind of knowledge about driving a car, you'd be sitting 30 feet away from it, throwing pieces of pickles at a barn and shouting ‘shazam’ into an empty iPhone case, wondering why the car wasn't moving.
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.
Why does the basketball never get a date?
Because they dribble.
Why was the orphan so successful? Because when they were told “go big or go home,” they only had one option.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
'Cause they don't know where home is.
Dark humor is like life:
Not everyone gets it.
What's the difference between a skeleton and a baby? I don't set the skeleton on fire.
My chance of finding love.
What do you call an orphan when they eat a meal? A family dinner.
How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
Your hairline is so bad when you need a role model who has been having a tough life, you go to your barber.
What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.
Why does an orphan play GTA?
To get wanted.
So my depressed friend wanted to high-five the tree by the cemetery.
The tree left him hanging though.
What do you call a deaf child?
-Ryan Simmonite-
The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.
what was Juice WRLD before he was famous?
Answer: alive.
How did the Iron and Gold start dating?
They met on TINder.
Why doesn't Helen Keller's boyfriend like having sex with her?
'Cause she just lies there like she's dead.