Life jokes

I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*

He never has a bad day because he always wakes up on both sides of the bed.

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

Why did the orphan cross the street? Because they thought that mommy and daddy was on the other side.

Being an orphan isn’t all bad.

On the bright side, all your snacks are family sized.

Technoblade NPC: Gets removed from Minecraft!

Technoblade: Gets removed from real life!

My dick is longer than your life.

Does anyone else just want to die, or is it just me?

You're the sun in my life, now get 93 million miles away from me.

Suicidal thoughts aren’t nice, but nor is life. So why not get them both done and over with?

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.

It never gets old.

Life is like a film; it goes on, but you can cut at any time.

Orphan: "I get all the A pluses and y'all bad!"

And then I told him: "If you feel so special, try telling your parents. You can't, can you?"

What is a neonatal's first time in the world?

There was a blind man. He was blind. Ha, sucks for him.

[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.

Get a head in life by decapitating someone.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

What is the difference between Harry Houdini and everyone else in my life? Harry was the only person not to disappear.

My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.