Life jokes

Fun fact! You can hold your breath till the rest of your life.

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

"Don't worry! Life goes on."

"Yeah, that's what's had me worried."

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

Q. What movie represents an orphan's life?

A. Spiderman: No Way Home.

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

Who is the man behind all lives matter?

Michael Jackson.

Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."