Life jokes

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

For boys, life is a lot like a penis: simple, soft, straight, relaxed, and hanging freely......... then a woman makes it really hard.😩😉😏

A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

"Don't worry! Life goes on."

"Yeah, that's what's had me worried."

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

Q. What movie represents an orphan's life?

A. Spiderman: No Way Home.

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

you play gatcha life more like go get a life.

I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!

Who is the man behind all lives matter?

Michael Jackson.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.