Life jokes
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I once told a blind orphan, "Hey, look at the bright side!"
If they made a movie about your sex life, what would it be?
In Afghanistan, it would be "Twelve Years a Slave!" 🤣
What's the difference between a prisoner and an orphan?
One is loved.
"No Way Home" is just the life of an orphan.
Random person: Minecraft is actually more peaceful than real life.
Me: Well, screw life. Maybe if I light a fire on myself, I will go to Minecraft (my excuse for suicide).
What is the difference between a human being and a tree?
A human can walk and a tree cannot walk.
What is the difference between Harry Houdini and everyone else in my life? Harry was the only person not to disappear.
You're the sun in my life, now get 93 million miles away from me.
The 2nd worst thing that happened to an orphan was finding out the milk man passed.
Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?
He was trying to get ahead in life.
I love time.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there?
Not Susie.
Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
I would roast BlessedBrian, but it seems LIFE already did a thorough job.
These days, dating life is hard. You put yourself out there, and it's hard to find someone. The only thing to do is turn to family.
Jesus has had all the time in the world and all the power in the world to do whatever he wanted.
Guess what he has to show for nothing, but putting us in hell!
Being an absolute waste breathe of life, and of power!
Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."
Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.