Life jokes

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

At this point, I don't want a funeral when I commit. I just want a going away party so people have an excuse to celebrate.

Anyone on this app is homeless and has no point in life. Well, I'm on this app 24/7, so do I have no point in life 24/7, or am I just weird and unwanted?

Why did the skeleton not go to the ball? Because he had no body to go with.

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.

I am the worst joke ever. Get it? My whole life is a joke.

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

There is a thin line between death and life!

You won't live to see it.....

The Cardiogram will!!

Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."

Nurse: *Laughs*

Kid: "Why are you laughing?"

Nurse: "When I get OLDER."

Proceeds to laugh.

"Shout out to entity...welcome to hell!"

"Every time I see your icon I vomit lol."

"Get a life... hey I'm violet olivegarden how can I help you if you need me to disc someone ill help..."

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

What's similar between a pregnant 14 y/o girl and the foetus inside of her?

They both are thinking "My mom's gonna kill me!"

Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."

Me: "Why did you?"

Mom: "I was very drunk..."

Explains a lot...

I only have 4 moods:

• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you

I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:

• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything

and don't forget the inevitable

• fuck it

and for those who have just given up

• fuck

This is beautiful.

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

This is not really a joke, but it's a question.

If life is a movie, then is death life? Is we seeing the trailer right now?

Men should provide their disobedient daughters with their own "milk" instead of letting them use the mother. That will teach those bitches some respect for men. It may even help them get laid later on in life.

Life.