Life jokes

Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*

No one:

Literally no one:

Me: Time to make his life hell.😈

What can you say about that homeless man's life and current status?

Wasted.

I'll unplug your life support for my phone that's about to die.

I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and then give her blood so she can bleed more.

Orphan: "I get all the A pluses and y'all bad!"

And then I told him: "If you feel so special, try telling your parents. You can't, can you?"

You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

I just gotta come out and say it: I like miners, and I don’t care what y’all think. I mean the fact that they are risking their lives just to make ours a little easier is amazing. I’ve always wanted to marry one, to be honest. Y’all need to give more respect to the mining ⛏ community.

What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?

Kid's.

A man is about to be hanged. His executioner asks for his last words.

The man says, “Man, it’s hard to think of something when your life is on the line.”

I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.

I went up to an orphan and asked where their parents were--they stared.

I'm never going bungee jumping because a cord bridged me into the world. It's not taking me out.

Why do orphans like the game Adopt Me? Because they've never been adopted in their life.

I've spent most of my life avoiding conflict. That's why I'm never intending to visit Syria.

I just wanted to say whoever is a faker pretending to be me, that you are literally ruining my life right now. And I can literally not take this right now in life and that I just want peace so please, please stop.

"I swear I'm the real Gwen! I swear on my life!"

A chair came to life and said, "I'm alive!"

I said, "Yes, I know I am."

I am really hot, but I hate water. What am I?

Life.

What's the worst part about getting old?

Going to pull up the wrinkles in your socks, just to find out you're not wearing socks!