Life jokes
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."
Life is like giving head... it always sucks.
Q: Why did the teacher die?
A: Because he hated his life.
What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉
All you need is a razor blade in life.
Jakob's life.
Please don't kill [me].
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.
My dick is longer than your life.
If you ever have a gay friend whose comatose, tell his family he/she was a fruit. Now he/she's a vegetable, at least they're still in the produce section.
When someone pops up in your life making you all happy, you be like, "Who sent you?"
Want to hear a joke?
My life. Get it?
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
My horrible life.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh life?
"-Hey dude, you got some beef? You want some beef from me?"
"- No thanks... I'm vegetarian!"
Why didn't the kid cancer patients like his joke?
He said, "You'll understand when you get older!"
What's the difference between a baby and a tire swing?
A tire swing doesn't die when you hang it from a tree.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"