Life jokes

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

How did you get that? Used your life savings?

A man named Icide ruined my life. I asked a friend if he would help me sue him. He said yes. But for some reason, he killed me.

All I wanted was for someone to help me sue Icide...

You know Sally? She's dead now.

Chuck Norris has been to Mars... that's why there are no signs of life there.

Your life (ಥ ͜ʖಥ).

If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

Here's a joke: Your life.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.

I wanted some breakfast, so I grabbed some Life cereal.

I poured it, but lemons came out. So I said, "Well, when life gives you lemons!"

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

Gloves!

JK, he hasn't opened it yet.

My life.

Kill me, please.

Have you ever been eight before?

You were between 7 and 9.

Life.

Vladimir Putin is probably a homophobe because he has to go through life with the name of a gay porn star.

There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!

Your life.

I fucked your mom, that's why I've been paying your life support since you were born.