Life jokes
Friend: What goes up but not down?
You: Your age.
If you play Minecraft too much, you belong to the streets.
Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.
You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.
Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))
Suicide is never the answer.
Suicide is the question.
The answer is yes.
My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.
I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.
Person: Hey, do you know what's the best thing in life?
...
You do realize that I said nothing, right?
Me: Exactly :)
God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!
Daughter: So, I got my period.
Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!
Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?
Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.
Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)
Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)
Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.
Why didn’t the orphan celebrate their birthday?
Because they didn’t have a mom to birth them.
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.
My love life.
What does BLM stand for?
Bisexual Lives Matter.
Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.
Sister: No, I won't stop.
Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.
Sister: What? You will see when I post it.
Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?
Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.
Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."
Me: "Why did you?"
Mom: "I was very drunk..."
Explains a lot...