Life jokes
My humour is so dark that its life matters.
Best part about being an orphan?
Not spending 1h30 at the table every night with your dad yelling, "What's 2*3?!!" And you crying, "I don't know!!!"
Me: I'ma sign up to be a clown.
My friend: Why?
Me: Because my life is a joke. 😂
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
Friend: What goes up but not down?
You: Your age.
If you play Minecraft too much, you belong to the streets.
Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.
You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.
Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))
Suicide is never the answer.
Suicide is the question.
The answer is yes.
My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.
I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.
Person: Hey, do you know what's the best thing in life?
...
You do realize that I said nothing, right?
Me: Exactly :)
God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!
Daughter: So, I got my period.
Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!
Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?
Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.
Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)
Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)
Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.
Why didn’t the orphan celebrate their birthday?
Because they didn’t have a mom to birth them.
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.