New Life Jokes - Page 54 - Worst Jokes Ever

Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.

You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))

Suicide is never the answer.

Suicide is the question.

The answer is yes.

My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.

I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.

Person: Hey, do you know what's the best thing in life?

...

You do realize that I said nothing, right?

Me: Exactly :)

God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!

Daughter: So, I got my period.

Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

Why didn’t the orphan celebrate their birthday?

Because they didn’t have a mom to birth them.

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.