Left jokes
The parents who left their kids on the side of the road should have thought twice and got an abortion.
My wife left me and took the kids.
I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.
A teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom." "OK, let’s hear,” said the teacher.
“My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.” “She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
Pin drop silence in the class!
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
“Stay away from Mummy when she’s drunk...!!!”
This guy walked into a pizzeria and ordered a water. The owner called him an idiot.
His girlfriend walked in and ordered a pineapple pizza.
The guy left her, and the owner made her leave.
What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.
What's the difference between me and my mate...
I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.
Stephen Hawking went on a date last night.
She left after 15 minutes, complaining she didn't like his tone.
Dear algebra,
I don't want to find your X. I don't know Y she left you.
Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie!
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
I saw a little kid crying today. I asked where his parents were, and he started to cry more. I left the orphanage to get some milk after that.
Q: Why can kids relate to dogs?
A: They are noticed for 13 years, then left for no one to touch again.
Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9), which was 2 2 many (922), so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968), she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless.
One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.
She asked me, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."
Why did the emo kid hate the tree?
It left him hanging.
Guess why a lot of orphans were in "Home Alone"? Because their family left them.
What hit the ground first, a feather or the emo kid?
The feather, because the emo kid was left hanging.
Why did the planes crash into the Twin Towers?
Because the cleaner left the landing lights on!